Ok, i made my decision. My frend slapped some sense into me. No matter what i locked up, thinking what my next move would be was impossible. I have now unlocked my drawer. My ipod is charging, the screen cracked but still works, green day is blasting from my speakers, browsing on a my chem fansite, it feels...different, but in a good way. Some stuff is still in the drawer, mainly cd's and lyrics i wrote down over the years and comics. Drumsticks, microphones, stuff like that, but i barely have any time for them anyway.
Im now gunna go and get my hard earned halloween candy and coke zero.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Emotional State. Help
I wouldn't call myself emo. At least not what it means today. I don't cut myself. And i dont cry often. But i do like black. And i do where a lot of black. I think i just see things from a different point of view and have strong opinions. But i'm not here to talk about that. I'm here for help. If anyone would listen.
Last night, one of the many nights where my parents talk to me about school and how i don't take it seriously enough. Last night, i finally listened. Maybe it was the fact that my mom was crying. Not just like eyes watering, voice cracking. I mean really hard out sobbing. That moment, i decided i needed to change my lifestyle. My mom was right. I'm just a kid. All i needa worry about now is school. But my life wasn't that. I would say 60% of my life was about music. 20% worring about my future. And the left over 20% was focused over school so i could have the time to use my fucus on the other 80% of my life.
After my mom went to bed, i went to my room, grabbed all my cd cases, my ipod, my Walkman, my mp3 player, my speakers, lyrics, comic books, microphone, amp chord, cell phone, headphones, everything like that, i took all of it and stuffed it into a drawer and locked it. The key i hid somewhere in the back of my cluttered closet, hoping i'd forget where i'd put it.
My goal was to forget all about music, and my old dreams, and to focus on school. Its worked so far. I havent touched my phone or anything to do with music. But i learned today that the life i've set out doesn't disappear or change as easily as it did as stuffing it all into a locked drawer. Everywhere i turned, my friends and classmates where listening to music, there earphones jammed into their ears with the music blasting.
The music i heard in the hall didn't bother me much, im not into the rap hip/hop thing. But my friends, listeing to iron Maiden and my chemical romance, green day. Thats what got me worked up. I tense up everytime id hear a line or two. Or i'd give in and start talking about the upcoming Avenged seven fold concert thats happening 2maro. But i'd catch myself.
I told 2 of my best frends this and one of them understood, the other one questioned me and asked why i could'nt live with reality and my dreams. I thought it over and my answer was; "Cuz i just can't."
Even thinking about it now my answer is still cuz i just can't. Maybe because my old dreams are to powerful, or maybe its because it was a future. A rare one but a possible one. And now that it is gone, i am blind and can't see my future. And maybe thats what my parents see, they know because they've already gone through school, they know that if you survived those 12 + years of your life that you'd make it. But then it hit me as i was playing my violin. My i am just afraid of failing. But if i am afraid of failing, wouldn't i WANT to do good in the few years left of school? Even with everything out of the way, i can't even focus on the work in my bag, and sprawled out on my desk.
So my main question is, should i keep all those things locked up in my drawer? Or should i free them again? I'd rather make my parents happy then me. I don't want to hurt them anymore than i already have.
Last night, one of the many nights where my parents talk to me about school and how i don't take it seriously enough. Last night, i finally listened. Maybe it was the fact that my mom was crying. Not just like eyes watering, voice cracking. I mean really hard out sobbing. That moment, i decided i needed to change my lifestyle. My mom was right. I'm just a kid. All i needa worry about now is school. But my life wasn't that. I would say 60% of my life was about music. 20% worring about my future. And the left over 20% was focused over school so i could have the time to use my fucus on the other 80% of my life.
After my mom went to bed, i went to my room, grabbed all my cd cases, my ipod, my Walkman, my mp3 player, my speakers, lyrics, comic books, microphone, amp chord, cell phone, headphones, everything like that, i took all of it and stuffed it into a drawer and locked it. The key i hid somewhere in the back of my cluttered closet, hoping i'd forget where i'd put it.
My goal was to forget all about music, and my old dreams, and to focus on school. Its worked so far. I havent touched my phone or anything to do with music. But i learned today that the life i've set out doesn't disappear or change as easily as it did as stuffing it all into a locked drawer. Everywhere i turned, my friends and classmates where listening to music, there earphones jammed into their ears with the music blasting.
The music i heard in the hall didn't bother me much, im not into the rap hip/hop thing. But my friends, listeing to iron Maiden and my chemical romance, green day. Thats what got me worked up. I tense up everytime id hear a line or two. Or i'd give in and start talking about the upcoming Avenged seven fold concert thats happening 2maro. But i'd catch myself.
I told 2 of my best frends this and one of them understood, the other one questioned me and asked why i could'nt live with reality and my dreams. I thought it over and my answer was; "Cuz i just can't."
Even thinking about it now my answer is still cuz i just can't. Maybe because my old dreams are to powerful, or maybe its because it was a future. A rare one but a possible one. And now that it is gone, i am blind and can't see my future. And maybe thats what my parents see, they know because they've already gone through school, they know that if you survived those 12 + years of your life that you'd make it. But then it hit me as i was playing my violin. My i am just afraid of failing. But if i am afraid of failing, wouldn't i WANT to do good in the few years left of school? Even with everything out of the way, i can't even focus on the work in my bag, and sprawled out on my desk.
So my main question is, should i keep all those things locked up in my drawer? Or should i free them again? I'd rather make my parents happy then me. I don't want to hurt them anymore than i already have.
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